Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
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It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Tried escaping the morning crazies by drinking my coffee on the patio but it turns out the morning crazies have legs and arms and they just followed me out there
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
british sex workers really pound for pound
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.