Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MUGGER: Empty your pockets!

ME: But these are cargo shorts.

(45 min later)

ME: That’s the left one

MUGGER: Seriously.

ME: I am SO sorry

Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”

Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor

Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.

Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?

Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.

Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.

I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat

“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”

You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in

My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”

A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.

I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.

Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?

Paid. Gamer. Leave.

Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).

We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner

“Haha sweet potatoes?”

DON’T

“Don’t what?”

You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun

“I YAM NOT!”

I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.

Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016

Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!

Me: Yeah that was me

Gmail: No it was on another device!

Me: Yes my tablet

Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!

Me: what no

Gmail: CALL THE POLICE

Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.

4: mom was i in your tummy?

me: yep!

4: who is in there now?

me: no one

4: then why is it so big?

husband: oh no

[first day as life guard]

guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!

me: *moving my arms* like this but in water

My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.

My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.

Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?

5: it was really loud

Me: loud?

5: yes because I screamed the whole time!

Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?

Whiskey, tango, french fry…?

Yeah, I think that’s right.

“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.

[the best zoom meetings]

host: can you hear me ok?

everyone: no

host: let’s just reschedule

everyone: great

It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb

very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.

Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”

Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.

i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover