Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sir, my pâté if you please

Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.

Me: Touché.

I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.

So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.

me: hi do you take walk-ins

the morgue: what

“Can I be completely honest with you?”

— someone about to piss me off

just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet

ㅤ

do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus

i said it was my favourite show, i didn’t say it was good

When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.

Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.

If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.

A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”

*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby

I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.

My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.

[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!

Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.

I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?

Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline

You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.

In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz

It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.

Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop

Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.

And outside.

My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum

Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?