Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
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Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner
“Haha sweet potatoes?”
DON’T
“Don’t what?”
You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun
“I YAM NOT!”
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
A French press is when you hug naked
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.