Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
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Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Executioner: last meal?
Me: I want to eat the electric chair
Executioner [through walkie talkie]: can he do that
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Interviewer: Your resume states that you can dunk?
Me: Are you going to test me?
Interviewer: No, I’m more curious about why you would put that-
Me: Oh well then yeah I can dunk
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Start the year as you intend to continue.
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.