Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
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An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
pelicons
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
WWE is French for “yes”
My kid’s school thought 15 spirit days in the month of December was a good idea and now we’re one step closer to homeschooling.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?