Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.

I hope they like monopoly.

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

When we’re old the children will use covid to explain our brain damaged opinions much like we do to boomers with lead. It is fate

🙏🏾

“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly

Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!

~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.

if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: heavy-handed product placement

professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good

ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.

My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.

Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.

– whenever we have company and are never remodeling

My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist

Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone

Shampoo companies need to be clearer when they say “repairs damage”

I cancelled my therapist appointments for nothing

Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.

Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?

Her: I already hate where this is going

Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—

Her: *softly* no

Me: entre-manure

Her: I’m staying with my sister

Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises

Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out

Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee

In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.

You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’

Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.

microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”

*Takes one earbud out*

*Hears kids fighting*

*Puts earbud back in*

You: “I’m only 35, I have my whole life ahead of me.”

Sports Broadcaster: “Here comes the oldest player in the league. He’s 32. A miracle.”

Netflix: We have Less

science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”

[texting my friend]

me: sorry I missed your party yesterday

friend: it’s today actually

me: read this again tomorrow then

Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!

Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that

whatcha thinkin bout