Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
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Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
only three people know my grandma’s secret tuna casserole recipe & two of them have been missing since 1957
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*