bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
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I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Making milkshakes because I need help with my yard work.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
Never let them know your next move 😂
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*