Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.
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I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
NURSE: I promise. It’s ok. You can come in.
MAILMAN (trembling): are..are you sure
DR DOG: *locked in his office just going freakin nuts*
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
Me, to my Greek aunt: Want to come over for dinner?
Her: No, thanks.
Me, to the same aunt: We have nothing to eat. Want to help us make dinner?
Her: On my way. I’ll be stopping at four stores to pick up ingredients. Set oven to 450. I’ll bring my own cooking utensils.
Me:🤦🏻♂️