Someone wrote that today is like waiting for the results of a biopsy, except half your family hopes it’s cancer.
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If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
My weirdo cat only drinks from a glass on the kitchen bench. I was chatting to a visiting friend in the kitchen and noticed the cat glass was empty so I filled it. 5 minutes later it was empty again. My friend had just drunk two delicious glasses of cat water. I didn’t tell him.
What’s it called when there’s a bunch of big dry leaves on a darkened path but only one of them comes tumbling towards you.
A rat. A rat is what.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
Follow people around the park while carrying 10 rubber chickens. There’s no law that says you can’t.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.