Someone you don’t know is pointing at you. Make yourself appear larger by holding up a potted ficus.
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Being alone at Christmas can be challenging. People keep inviting you to things so you have to be very firm.
Roses are red.
Birds sometimes vanish.
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.