Someone you don’t know is pointing at you. Make yourself appear larger by holding up a potted ficus.
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Greeting humans vs their dogs
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
me when I leave a friend on read: They get it. I’m overwhelmed. I isolate. I need a day to think. The kids keep me busy. I’ve got 7 appointments this week. They understand.
me when a friend leaves me on read: OMG THEY HATE MY GUTS
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.