Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
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Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
What idiot called it ‘Asparagus grown in Northern France’ and not ‘Brittany Spears’.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
at ease…shoulder.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
This woman posted her giant baby on TikTok and the Detroit Lions commented “dibs” I can’t believe we’re about to lose this app.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.