Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
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14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
Our lord and savoury.
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
I cannot call her anything else now
