Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done

The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.

Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.

Michael Jackson didn’t have his first hit single until he was 11.

Eddie Murphy didn’t get cast on SNL until was 19.

Steven Spielberg didn’t make Jaws until he was 27.

You’re never too old to follow your dreams.

#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next

[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?

Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no

Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?

I have never related to anyone more.

My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:

Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat

I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.

Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.

You don’t have toupee.

Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.

i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure

A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.

Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes

How it started: No kicking balls in the house!

How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.

#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.

Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.

Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!

The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.

I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone

everyone’s a critic

*cooking dinner*

Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.

On the way to school this morning:

5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”

Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”

5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”

Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.

Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation

“Morning guys”

“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”

– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses

I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.

cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.

WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.

– Snow globe, the story.