Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
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Why I divorced her.
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
literally anyone: “would you like some ice cream?”
me: [knowing ice cream makes me serverely ill] “ooo yes please”
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
*uses your voodoo doll as a tampon*
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
How dramatic are you?
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
accurate
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
peeing after esex so i don’t get an hdmi
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.