Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*stranded on a deserted island*

Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB

What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.

women at the gym use every other treadmill like men do urinals

Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.

“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”

[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]

Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope

I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.

If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.

Roses are red

Pizza sauce is too

I ordered a large

And none of its for you

pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.

The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief

Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped

Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?

Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”

Day Two: Murder

Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun

How’s your summer going?

Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.

I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever

My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.

Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*

I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.

if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened

This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.

I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”

the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.

I’d like to schedule a disappointment.

Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.

I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”