Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”

Mean The Same Thing.

Unless You’re At A Funeral.

A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.

4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare

me: me too. what was yours?

4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?

me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep

4: you know nightmares aren’t real?

me: yeah, I do

How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon

Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE

PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.

You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder

The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.

🎶It’s like 10,000 steps when all you need is a nap🎶

Seat cushions are the original stool softeners

Who would have thought that eating 4 cans of beans would backfire like this?

I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.

take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there

Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!

*opens bag of chips*

it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok

Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.

When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.

And by “younger” I mean yesterday.

Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.

I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor

[Job Interview]

Boss: What is your best trait?

Me: Procrastination.

B: How is that a positive?

M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.

Her: You look great without glasses

Me: I don’t wear glasses

Her: *putting them back on* I do

Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.

The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that

I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.

Wife: you need to prepare the turkey

Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness

Me: lying on my resume probably

If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.

Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?

When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.

I might have repeated it.