Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof

[getting shot out of a cannon] *to my date* I’ll call you when I land, Denise.

Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.

What the hell happened in there??

Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away

Met another guy who lost his left leg. He’s a cool guy. We make a right pair

Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!

Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!

Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.

I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do

[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]

Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up

Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.

ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?

GUY: fruit flies I think

ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug

My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.

I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.

There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”

Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.

H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.

M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!

H: Have you been day drinking?

[art store]

You do free framing?

“With any purchase”

Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do

When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?

So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.

This rocks

Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.

*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES

Nan swears blind she heard a miaowing from next door’s garden. She miaowed back.
The cat miaowed.
She miaowed back.
This continued for minutes.
She walks down the garden to the end.
Looks over the fence.
Still miaowing.
Sees her neighbour miaowing back at her.

Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good

God: Done

Angel: you can’t be finished

God: I am

Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-

God: aaand send

Took the batteries out the smoke detector for the TV remote cos I’d rather suffocate & burn to death beyond recognition in my sleep than get up to change channel.

I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.

It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.

Qui-gon: You will give me the parts

Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks

Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?

Watto: I will give you the parts

My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.