Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be

Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app

*Hiring an electrician

Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord

Me: *goes for midnight jog*

My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE

roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.

Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.

Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.

[date night]

me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here

gf: we are in your apartment

me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door

Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire

Them: I’ll be right back

Me: That’s not necessary

Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs

[alternate reality]
[dogs walking their humans on leashes]
dog1: have u heard of upman?
dog2: whats upman?
dog1: not much man whats up w/ u?

Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.

Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.

i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.

I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.

I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.

Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.

your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”

I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!

I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.

Word.

~ Microsoft.

“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.

Texas.

Where the vegan menu item is chicken.

[product design]

CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures

me: OK should they be easy to open?

CEO: absolutely not

I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.

imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.

My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth

I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.

Don’t you dare flirt with me.

Yet.

Okay now.