Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
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They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
they should schedule doctor appts like
DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.
I’m having one of those days where nothing seems to be going write.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
My favorite form of cardio is racing around trying to hide the evidence of my snacking as my husband walks into the room after his workout
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Sending my 6yo to law school considering how many arguments I’ve had to hear about why he should get to eat pumpkin pie today
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
