Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
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Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
#damn
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body