Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

rebranding

I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker

All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.

Dog: can i eat this?

Me: no i was just-

Dog: [swallowing] thanks

I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married

My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.

I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby

I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.

this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that

Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*

Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.

How about I get 100% off by already being there

my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”

i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool

So Ive started a sarcasm club.

It would mean the world to me if you joined.

Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.

Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.

Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”

My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.

No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.

I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.

I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.

when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog

Me *enters new password*

Computer: ok

Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?

Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well

Me *crying* that’s not true

I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.

BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!

“Omg, I literally just died”

-people who literally don’t know what literally means

In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”

this sign has the same social anxiety i have

I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..