Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”

NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR

If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.

please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan

Breadcrumbs on mac and cheese be like here let’s sprinkle some carbs on top of these carbs

Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.

The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed

I miss the days where someone would tell us shit like “Mick Jagger is Kesha’s dad” and we’d all just believe it for months because it didn’t matter if it was true or not

Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.

Walt Disney:

I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.

I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.

*adds humanitarian to resume

The three ages of bureaucrat:

Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?

Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings

Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings

The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.

but whales can’t sink a sub

ORCAn they?

Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*

Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people

When a food fight breaks out during Thanksgiving dinner, creamed corn casserole finally reaches its full potential.

No one ever hated their job on a Friday!

“I said, ‘No’”

– me, about to give my dog my sandwich

Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.

Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”

Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.

honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral

Breaking: Nate Silver Predicts That If the Election Were Held Today, It Would Most Likely Be Due to Some Kind of Serious Administrative Error

Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding

the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with

ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?

CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.

My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.

So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive