Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
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Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…