Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.

Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians

Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.

Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?

Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”

Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U

Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!

mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day

BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”

I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.

The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.

For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.

PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.

The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over

For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5

How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???

11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.

Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?

11: Other than that.

You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.

GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win

taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends

You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.

– My 4yo. Apparently.

If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.

They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy

People talking about Gen X being angry about having to buy music when half our collection was downloaded for free from Napster.

New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.

*notices it’s not even 8am*

*been tweeting like a boss…*

*…to 5 insomniacs*

When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..

I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.

The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with

Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep

1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…

Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?

Me: She will usually tell you.