Someone’s been going round our local town stealing all the eggs, milk, sugar and vanilla essence. Police now have the culprit in custardy.
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Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”
‘Omg. Where?’
“No, just a normal wolf I think.”
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you