Someone’s been going round our local town stealing all the eggs, milk, sugar and vanilla essence. Police now have the culprit in custardy.
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Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam
Well. That’s not a good sign.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Every time.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.