Someone’s been going round our local town stealing all the eggs, milk, sugar and vanilla essence. Police now have the culprit in custardy.
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Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
☠️ ☠️
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
Replace all HR departments with fight clubs
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
People make the mistake of keeping aubergines in the fridge, when in fact they should be kept in the bin
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
*brings therapist to family gathering*
Me: See?
Therapist: ᵒʰ ᵐʸ ᵍᵒᵈ