“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
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I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
The news in a nutshell.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
You know I’m something of a chef myself
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
my 92 year old grandmother during my birthday lunch: you know who I think is very handsome? that murderer boy
The person who figures out how to marry someone without marrying their family too, will win the Nobel Peace Prize
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
I was really excited to see the Wicked movie until it got shoved down my throat in product placements. Now I just want to drop a house on the marketing director. And steal their shoes
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
In France for work. Obviously I knew there would be lots of people with dogs. What I was not prepared for is that the dogs seem aware they are French