Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing

Hey man, your fly is down. Let me get that for you

“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”

-psychopaths

Me: *drowning*

My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!

Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?

*eats a carrot*

*checks off new year’s resolution*

Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?

Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee

When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?

Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:

ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.

AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.

ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.

VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine

So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?

Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.

If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.

This feels like a totally reasonable reaction

#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty

I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”

I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.

That.

It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.

If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away

mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?

me: i was driving

mom: where are you now?

me: walking the dog

mom: you need better excuses

me: it’s the truth

mom: then put the dog on

me: he’s uh driving

Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids

After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.

I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.

Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.

Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.

Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.

I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.

There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t

Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”

Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”

Cher: Do you believe in life after love?

Me: *checks dictionary*

No.