Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.

I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.

me texting friend: ooh what happened?!

friend: *sends elaborate voice note *

me to myself: guess I’ll never know

My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.

i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt

Eminem walks into a bar.

Bartender: You only get one shot.

Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up

Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?

Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…

Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.

Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.

just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.

Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”

Me: “The kids did.”

H: “Are you sure?”

Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”

H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”

Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”

I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.

a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.

him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?

her: no thanks

me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho

6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?

Me: You have the flu.

6: I’m sick, not dead.

I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.

What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!

Oh, wait…never mind.

My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’

get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind

we can put a man on the moon but we can’t make shower caps sound less like world war 3 is happening on my head

It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.

*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*

I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today

*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror*

*returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3

I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.

middle school in the ’90s

It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.

At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.

At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real