Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.

The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will

*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest

Him: Do you swallow?

Me: Every time I chew.

rebranding

I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.

“My name is Robert and I support apples.”

— Bob for apples

“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica

“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”

– How my friends explain me to others.

me: is it cool if i add a little hat

person i’m tattooing: what no

me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]

Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that

Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.

At conference w/ teacher

Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?

Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio

7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio

Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma

7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!

Teacher:

Me: what? That’s how I learned it

#Dadlife

Waiter: How is everything?

Me: This is a salad

Waiter: Yes

Me: I ordered spaghetti

Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude

He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.

And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.

“Time is of the essence”

Twitter: Hahaha nope

I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.

It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.

1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows

that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer

are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked

I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.

*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes

Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate

Him: U started your diet, didn’t u

Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.

It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.

The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat

Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me

Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court

Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.

[inventor of teapot]

“I want this water to scream”

pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms

My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.

Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.