Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers

Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party

*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again

*getting the broom*

Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,

[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal

My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.

I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.

My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.

I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.

cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box

Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.

Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.

Me: we can all get along and live in unity

Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t

You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.

Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything

Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?

Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!

Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it

Me: ok

[at grocery store]

Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi

Clerk: quinoa

Me: definitely not eating that

This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people

I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.

Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.

ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*

Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?

I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”

there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy

I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?

You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?

Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask

yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna

My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—

every time he drives.

I can see how that would be whiskey.

Do you have to wine about it though?