Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up

HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful

Me: They are going to pay for saying that

I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”

Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.

*hires sky writer*

I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.

Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days

The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.

Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth

I hate my earbuds.

Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”

Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”

Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”

WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?

16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’

Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’

Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’

W: ‘What was that??’

Me: *making tea*

Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!

[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”

when she block me on everything

Oh my god y’all. I watched a woman attempt to go through airport security with ten fully inflated helium birthday balloons. She kept shoving them into the conveyor belt to the scanner but they just kept popping back out like a cartoon. Yes this happened in florida.

I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.

You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.

And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”

interview tip #86

be honest when asked about yourself

[later]

interviewer: so tell me about yourself

me: not without my lawyer present

Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?

Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*

Countries whose names are lies:

• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom

Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus

STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves

If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.

I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”

I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.

People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong

I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.

After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet