Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
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My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.