Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
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We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
[noticing the food the other guests brought to the party are halloween themed] this spinach artichoke dip is haunted
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
At the beginning of the week our boss told us to not talk this week because ownership was visiting which is insane but today I learned there was an office pool to see how long before I yapped and it was over $500 I’m reporting the winner to the IRS
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
look at me when i’m typing to you
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
If you took the Facebook IQ Test and it determined you’re a Genius, the fact that you participated in a Facebook test negates the results.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first