Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
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gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Raisins are grape jerky.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
i was negotiating with a big but troublesome customer once about a project they wanted us to give them a schedule for without any sort of financial commitment. after a few back and forths where they weren’t getting what they wanted, they tried a new tack:
“well let’s pretend we give you guys the go ahead. what would the release date be then?”
me: “well in that case we’d pretend to give you a release date.”
there was a few moments of silence. i wasn’t invited back to future calls.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win, I guess.
I bet your first day as a bullfighter they start you off by fighting a really rare steak.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence