Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
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she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
Accidentally bought a pound of unsalted butter so, if I’m your Secret Santa, well…
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.
I think about this a lot
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
“FRAAANCE!”
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
If you don’t know how many x-rays it takes before a person develops super powers, should you really be in a medical profession?
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
