Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!

*stares into distance*

Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.

periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.

[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.

pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet

me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here

Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work

I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.

Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.

Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.

Nice try Hitler

Am I a bad navigator? Well off course

The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”

Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?

Keto: Please leave our cult.

Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.

Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.

20’s: need to look cool when I go out

30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out

40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out

50’s: I don’t need to go out

me: *knocks on door* are you naked?

boss: just come in!

If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.

I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.

i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic

What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.

I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.

We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…

if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?

Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.

Doctor: Your daughter is 10.

Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.

God: you’re man’s best friend

Dog: OMG! Love it!

God: yup

Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!

God: well..

Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!

God: you live in a kennel in the yard

Dog: what

I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”

” Yes, we arson.”

#HatDadJoke

So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”