Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.

Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?

Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.

him: I’m gonna kill you

me: oh no

him: with kindness

me: awww

him: kindness is my pet wolf

me: oh no again

I have obtained a hat

If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future

Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape

People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food

“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.

Gonna turn my life around!

[10 min later]

Oh well, I tried.

Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..

Me: Pad Thai please

Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s

Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease

yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas

holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks

Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.

Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.

*standing outside your house

I was totally going to stalk you but…

*pets your dog instead

There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.

gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv

me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*

Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.

If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.

But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.

How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?

Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers

Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake

*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.

[first day as a stand-up comedian]

batman: how’d I do, alfred?

alfred: i felt like your dad.

batman: proud?

alfred: 💀💀

[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way

Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.

A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.

I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.

You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell