something america actually gets right is our commitment to air conditioning and ice cubes in drinks. like yeah healthcare would be nice but my god, room temperature water is an abomination
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satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
oh you like nyc? name every rat
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Word of the day:
Auspicious – Adjective – Favorable or suggestive of future success.
Not to be confused with awwspicious, an adjective meaning “suspiciously adorable.”
As in, “That corgi with the rusty knife in his mouth is so awwspicious!”
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
As we are leaving the car wash, passing the self-service bays, 6yo says, “oohh that’s how poor people wash their cars” and now I have to teach her a lesson and make her do all our laundry in the creek.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.