Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex

Me: Yeah

Gf: I’m having twins

Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies

My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.

I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.

I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill

(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?

Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.

Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”

I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.

Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place

Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy

I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.

There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..

Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.

Boss: Can I have a word with you?

Me: umbrella

It really ruins the vibe when you’re sharing a hilarious story from your childhood and people are like “omg that’s horrible” or “do you want my therapist’s phone number?”

Yes, I would take a bullet for you.

We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?

Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch

The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?

[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]

Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”

Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.

Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.

My grandparents have been married for 62 years. When I asked them what was their secret to such a long marriage, my grandmother said God is punishing her

*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule

The first five days after the weekend are the worst.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘condescending’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Of course I can. Can YOU?

WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?

I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.

If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.

*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.

There are probably millions of songs in existence.

radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?