Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is a good book described as a real page turner?

That’s my minimum requirement in a book

Pages that turn

Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.

*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!

I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.

Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?

[first day as mortician]

My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.

Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?

Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.

*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
ＨＵＭＡＮ

Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”

Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”

Me: “Oh, no thank you.”

I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.

Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse

ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.

WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.

Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl

I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”

Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up

I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older

Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?

Me: Bank robbery

Therapist: That’s not a crime

Me: I’m out of ideas

You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”

something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning

Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?

Me:…I rap a lot less.

David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested

Sounds about right! 💯
🌐

There are 2 kinds of people in this world:

1. People who aren’t good with numbers

Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.

Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.

Me: no thank you

It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.

May your day taste like creamy soup.

My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*

Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!

I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home

a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?