Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.
I’m the keen oat speaker.
*coughs*
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
Happy thanksgiving
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
