Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
Good morning.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection
[later]
guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?
me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but don’t put your eye makeup on before you start chopping onions
i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
Me: Who drew the picture?
8: I can’t remember her name.
Me: You memorize 200 Pokémon but you don’t remember the kids names in class?
8: 213
