Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
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Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
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We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
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Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …