Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
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I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
My 4yo was struggling to put his shorts on this morning. I went to help him, pulled the waistband up, and an alarm clock flew out the leg hole
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
adam and eve had first world problems
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol