Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God

72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response

the guy who ran this museum we are in in Slovenia just talked us through how the museum worked and then said “seeing as you’re British, please don’t steal anything for your own museum”

you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.

My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits

I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me

You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?

You find my yoga pants distracting…

…would you like me to take them off?

He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath

I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?

Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up

My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.

Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?

[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE

Netflix My bladder

🤝

Streaming on demand

when someone dies in the hospital and they put a sheet over them that’s just bc they’re preparing them for being a ghost

The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore

Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.

If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.

My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!

What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???

I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.

I’m a psycho, grandma.

Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.

[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.

I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.

My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy

[Family of lizards]

Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings

Little lizard: ahem

Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance

Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.

I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming

6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*

“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”

Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*