Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that

Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?

Not all heroes wear capes…

I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.

I love counterfeiting stuff

If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.

I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong

I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.

That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.

Not just when he sees me naked.

British websites use biscuits.

GOOGLE: *please create password*

ME: *Giraffe_Neck*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *The_Revenant*

GOOGLE: *password is too long*

ME: *CVS_receipt*

GOOGLE: *dude*

“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.

the beatles: all you need is love

haddaway: I have a question

[In meeting, puts cap on pen]

Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.

For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair

I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”

No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.

My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”

My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.

– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown

– making ice in trays

– doing housework

– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from

[deserted island]

friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable

me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*

Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.

In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?

At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.

Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!

Me: *puts hands out*

Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?

Me: *blushing* guilty

Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME

My favorite part of today is when I yawned once & my mother instantly snarked “but what do you have to be tired about?” with zero irony while holding the infant I gave birth to 4 months ago.

who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!

I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.

Home is where the Wi-Fi is.

[1st day as a detective]

me: a vampire did it

partner: sorry?

me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire

partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-

me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants

TEETH IS INNOCENT

Shift.

I meant SHIFT!

Oh god.

evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.

So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.