Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.

If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.

her: I love guys who know what they want

me: I want $100,000

her: but stay humble

me: I’ll never have $100,000

Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners

If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.

[interview]

“Any special talents?”

I can unlock any fingerprint reader

“By hacking?”

[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes

Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine

Me today: 2pm time for bed

Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.

I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.

Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start

Virtual school adventures

6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.

Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.

6: Can i watch something on my tablet?

#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck

Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.

*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*

My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly

As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.

Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.

When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.

A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”

Gravity is just the earth being really clingy

[12 hours without eating]

Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry

Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.

I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?

3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?

Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.

CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d

In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house

If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.

I keep a key hidden in a hollowed out section of a gallon of Neopolitan ice cream, & it opens a secret door in the back of my freezer where I keep even more ice cream

me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories

also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.

“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”

[writing my will]

me: what is cremation

lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash

me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu