Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.
You Might Also Like
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
My teenage sons are basically the Stormtroopers of urination.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
forgive me baja for i have blast
Feel. He’s so soft.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
My 8yo explaining how grades work to her 6yo sister, “I mostly get A’s. A is for excellent!” My 6yo right after, “Oh yeah, and F is for FANTASTIC.”
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Yoda telling a girl she can join the school marching band
March, April May
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them