Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[ first day as job recruiter ]

me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife

him: teller?

me: yes that’s why I’m calling

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise

[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.

People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!

I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕

Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.

– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.

Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*

Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.

911: what’s your emergency

me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.

911: what’s his location?

me: he’s 3 doors down

My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.

Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?

Heifer *chewing cud*
No

Teacher: Swallow it again then.

I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.

[ My unaired House hunters episode ]

Realtor: So what’s your budget?

Me: My budget?

Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?

Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.

Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?

The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?

I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.

Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.

Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.

“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”

*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*

Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…

Johnny Depp: no thanks.

[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try

LEGAL TIP

Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”

This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍

If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.

I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.

i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard

Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.

A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.

Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.

I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.

Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen