Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

App: This app would like to use your location.

Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!

*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*

Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”

ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy

[4yrs later]

ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family

TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.

We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.

Wife: Go out for breakfast?

Me: Sure!

Wife: Ok, let me shower first.

*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*

Me: Where should we have lunch?

*enters contest*

Contest: “Wrong hole.”

Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on

KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.

ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.

I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus

[me being lowered into my grave]

the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you

Start of the article: but what if only three people read it

End of the article: at least only three people will read it

Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.

I work at Home Depot.

White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers

Me: Thank you for that information

Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?

Tamale guy: yes

Me: I’ll take three

*goes produce shopping*

Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.

*minds peas & queues*

I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations

I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.

There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.

hackers play passwordle

When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch

hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”

You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.

I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist

I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts

Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?

my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket

me: oh no

my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time

me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands

My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.

My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.

Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.