Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?

Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…

Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked

Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago

Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41m

Groundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days

Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.

9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?

me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.

9yo: oh… so I should lie?

I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.

I must’ve been sleep wokking again.

Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?

How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy

You’re likely of an age where, in previous centuries, you would be the village elder, dispensing advice and wisdom.

*reads your timeline*

Or maybe not

On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity

My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.

That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.

wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle

me: *putting down the ketchup* ok

I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.

Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.

Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.

The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene

#dnd

I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…

I’m never going to recover from this.

You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.

Him: Are you mad?

Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing

Her: No, I’m fine, why?

Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk

“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”

– my neighbor

Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.

Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen

don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die

[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho

I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.

i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles

Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me