@thesulk

“Something in the way she moos / attracts me like no udder lover”

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@d_duhwit

Enviromentalists: How can we stop the rising oceans?
Me (understands displacement but not enviromentalism): Pull all those big whales out.

@Shock_Monster

In the time it took me to RT in Favstar I could have written the tweet in calligraphy and hand delivered it to all 7600 of my followers.

@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk

@LizHackett

If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.

@SuperRandomish

Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.

@simoncholland

I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

@VerbsRProudest

One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.

@TheBoydP

Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.

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