“Something in the way she moos / attracts me like no udder lover”

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*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.


There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.


[arrested in 1985]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news

[arrested in 2018]

COP: you get 1 call

ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it


Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.

Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?


I try contributing to society but it keeps insisting I take it back.


Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.

Me: So you go back to the office for work.

Husband: And?

Me: And?


Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good


ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands

WIFE: At the same time


TOGETHER: *screams*


I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.