Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
“Something in the way she moos / attracts me like no udder lover”
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Me (understands displacement but not enviromentalism): Pull all those big whales out.
In the time it took me to RT in Favstar I could have written the tweet in calligraphy and hand delivered it to all 7600 of my followers.
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.