“Something in the way she moos / attracts me like no udder lover”

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Enviromentalists: How can we stop the rising oceans?
Me (understands displacement but not enviromentalism): Pull all those big whales out.


In the time it took me to RT in Favstar I could have written the tweet in calligraphy and hand delivered it to all 7600 of my followers.


Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk


If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.


Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.


I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.


One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.


Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.

The Rules