@thesulk
@perfectsweeties
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
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@perfectsweeties
@sofarrsogud
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
@SortaBad
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
@daemonic3
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
@JediGigi
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
@BackrowSeats
I try contributing to society but it keeps insisting I take it back.
@mommajessiec
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
@Thynebear
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
@RedRegenerated
ME: We’ve developed a fear of boy bands
WIFE: At the same time
THERAPIST: In sync?
TOGETHER: *screams*
@RunOldMan
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.