Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.

What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?

Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes

There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.

That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.

“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”

“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”

What light through yonder window breaks…

Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!

*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*

Passed by an electrician’s truck that said “No job, too small” with the comma… sorry little buddy 🥺

Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?

Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”

Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.

Got complimented on my ebike by a guy in Minute Man Oil truck; he said he’s gonna get one so yeah, you could say I’m making headway with Big Oil.

Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car

This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up

(gathered around the campfire, 1876)

Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon

Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.

here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*

Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.

Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.

The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.

The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”

Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.

So what does everyone do with their dryer lint

[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes

being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita

Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.