something like this could probably happen to anyone
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Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
Yup….perfect score!
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
I just smuggled 40 kilos of eggs in the US and now my name is Pablo Eggscobar.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
🤣
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
anyone else like Italian cereal
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?