something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
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[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
I travel a lot for work and carry around a piece of paper in an envelope with a load of nonsense words written on it in the hope that, if I ever die suddenly, I will become the subject of internet conspiracy theories for years to come
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.