something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
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I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
[a food doesn’t agree with me] i don’t recall asking for your opinion
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
my parents got an amazon echo for christmas & all they do is shout at it & get disappointed by all it can’t do. i’ve been replaced by alexa & it’s great.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
My grandad fought Germans on the beaches of Normandy. This was last summer and it was very embarrassing.
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
