Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had

ME: No Officer, I swear I’m not high

CAT: For the last time, I’m not a cop, and cats can’t talk

ME: Whew! In that case I’m high af

CAT: Busted! *flashes badge* Undercover Cat Cop strikes again!

my father died in a conga line and so shall i

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.

When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love

School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”

Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose

I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.

Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”

Manager: Great! What will it do?

Developer: The opposite of that.

Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose

*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*

ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?

Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby

If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore

*patting my infant son on the back*

you can fit a whole airplane in this baby

airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?

me: how many spiders am I allowed?

airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*

I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog

I’m a go getter

And right now I’m a go getter nap

Cigarette: Hey buddy.

Me: I don’t smoke anymore.

Cigarette: But buddy.

Me: NO.

Cigarette: Buddy?

Me: You do make a good point. Fine.

ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses

Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.

me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now

I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.

Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress

There’s plenty more fish in the sea

“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”

I’m bad at consoling dumped friends

If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again

Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.

I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.

Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.

Metabolism:

I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!

An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.