Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
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Florida man
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
It was a drink directly from the bottle kind of day
Opens the bottle of hot sauce