Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
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Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
My biological clock is wheezing.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Ugh but profoundly
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
I listened to an interview with Matt Damon this morning. We always listen to interviews together.