Something Saturday.
You Might Also Like
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana: I’m not ripe yet
Banana, whispering at 3am in the morning: i’m r i p e
Banana at 8am that morning: HAHAHA I’M ROTTEN BOOOOOOOOY, WELCOME TO BROWN TOWN.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
As the king’s food taster, I essentially have one job: clutching my throat and dropping dead when the soup is poisoned.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.