Something Saturday.
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Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
Spotted in the wild
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!