Something Saturday.
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If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
scrabbled eggs
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
me: I wish my dad was alive
genie: done
[elsewhere]
dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.