something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
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ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Pants? You mean Leg Prisons?
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
you never know what burdens people are dealing with
Sure I have depression, but I live in Florida so at least it’s a tropical depression
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show