something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
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Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
i’m looking for a hotel to book up north at the end of the month and one of them listed “toilet paper” as an amenity. i hope “running water” is also included.
Zygote that created me: I am creating the miracle of life. The human I become will achieve greatness!
Me: Hear me out….Cheeto Pop Tarts!
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”