something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
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It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Water isn’t for putting out wildfires. It’s for powering a machine that lets me hear what it would sound like if Cartman read my grandpa’s will
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.