Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr

A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally

My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.

BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.

BEAST: What do you mean?

LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?

“Hey pregnant, I’m dad”
….
….
….
…..
“Oh god wait.”

Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.

CNN: The alien invasion has begun

British person: I’ll put the kettle on

I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation

One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.

Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.

Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years

My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am

Me: What a coincidence

People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?

Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.

20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !

40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !

[bar]

DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…

CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]

Going feral. Y’all need anything?

I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?

[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*

Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.

*Snowman wakes up in hospital*

“What happened to me?!”

Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?

Best thing about staying in an Airbnb is trying to see what’s in that one locked closet.

JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or

After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.

[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows

*sends epic tweet*

[no likes 3 hours later]

*waits 2 weeks, sends again*

[no likes 1 day later]

*starts typing*

NSA: dude, let it go

I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.

Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻

Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?

Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.

Wife:………………….

when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.

My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.